Stop nagging me about calcium (Lifehacking at 50+)

Get off my back about the calcium, already.
I am sick and tired of hearing from all my health care professionals, friends, foes, media and ads that I need more calcium.
I don’t. What I need is someone WHO IS AN EXPERT IN CALCIUM to tell me how to take it without f*cking up my entire life.
Here’s the deal: When I take calcium—
1. I get immediate, intense, crushing heartburn. The first time it happened, I thought I was having a heart attack. The pain goes all the way through to my back. It was unbearable. The people at the emergency room said, “Yeah, that happens when some people take calcium. Talk to your doctor.” The doctor, by the way, said, “Hm. That’s odd. But you need calcium, you know.” THAT WAS IT.
2. When I get past the chest pains, I start having leg cramps. Crippling. My feet curl underneath me and I can’t walk. Calf muscles (either the soleus or the fibularus longus, for those of you who care) begin to ache and then hamstrings tighten. If someone can carry me to the medicine cabinet, I can take some magnesium to help, but nothing else works (don’t bother telling me I’m dehydrated; I drink water till my head aches, which people tell me is also dangerous).
3. Then, I’m exhausted. I fall into a deep sleep from which it is hard to waken me. My blood pressure at this point is 80 over something (and no, I am not exaggerating, I have had it taken at that point and the taker panicked).
4. Blood pressure stays low for 2-3 days. During which time I can’t get up off the couch. I cry all the time, have no appetite (which is a good thing, because I am constipated) and am in the two-to-three-nap-a-day category. Trust me on this one, people: if I took all the calcium that “they” say I’m supposed to take, I would be a vegetable. A crying, sleepy vegetable.
Now I have told all of my health care people about this, and to the man (and woman) they all look at me like I am high on crack, and tell me how much I need calcium. None of them – NOT ONE – has given me alternatives, advice or solutions. But I’ll be damned if I am going to “live” like items 1-4 above, because that is no life at all.
I have tried calcium citrate, maleate, carbonate, and every other “ate” that calcium exists in. I have tried coral calcium, calcium blended with magnesium (worse than taking them separately), and green leafy vegetables. Someone told me that I need “chelated” minerals; I tried that and overnight developed a body odor of strong ammonia, like I had just wet my pants for the fifth time that day.
I went to a nutritionist, who came highly recommended. TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS LATER they did help me with several issues, but they seemed baffled at my reaction to calcium, and repeated the mantra, “well, you need calcium.” And when it became clear that I had no more money to throw at them, they hung up on me. Seriously.
So what do I do? In the mornings, I drink orange juice with calcium, and at night I have a glass of almond milk before bed. According to the labels, that gives me most of my RDA of calcium. But who knows? Who knows how much I am actually getting from that?
Has anyone out there had a reaction like this to calcium? What do you do?